I have the privilege of serving on my church's solo worship team. Every few months, we get together and sing a song so we can work on our craft and receive feedback. This time around, I sang Shadowfeet, written and sung by Brooke Fraser.
(Note: I'm a cryer and the entire team - and church - are aware. If the song is beautiful, has powerful lyrics, reminds me of my past, or even has an amazing chord progression, I tend to at least shed a tear.)
I was last on the lineup, immediately after my friend Megan who sang Kari Jobe's "You Are For Me". I'm not sure what the main cause of the tears were - the Kari Jobe song's message, Megan singing it and revealing her heart, the message of Shadowfeet, or all of the above. Whatever it was, I couldn't sing but a few words until the second verse. Rather than stop the song, my worship family used it as a teachable moment for the team.
"What do you do when a song grabs you emotionally and you can't sing it?"
It was amazing how everyone has had those moments of finding the balance between allowing the emotion to reveal the realness of the song and pushing it out so you can communicate the message of the song. It's a fine line that depends on the context - what is the message and who is the (intended) audience? Our church family isn't shy about God's grace in their lives - we will gladly show our battle wounds because we know they give God the glory for where He's brought us. This makes singing these kinds of songs especially difficult because they know where you've been and how amazing His grace really is.
This is what I couldn't sing:
Walking, stumbling on these shadowfeet, toward a home, a place that I've never seen
I am changing. Less and less asleep. Made of different stuff than when I began
And I have sensed it all along.
Fast approaching is the day.
When the world is falling out from under me, I'll be found in You still standing.
When the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees, when time and space are through.
I'll be found in You.
These lyrics remind me so much of who I was before I knew God. I was a child riddled with depression, confusion, and misplaced emotion. I knew there was something bigger but I didn't know what it was. I sought love and acceptance in people, dance, television, creativity, music; everywhere except God. I didn't even know God was an option! I began my journey with Him when I was 14 and went through the most crap after that point. Deeper depression, abuse, escapism, and deliberate disobedience to His word. His grace swept me into His arms again and I'm becoming "less and less asleep" each day.
I remain the only Christian in my family. It's heartbreaking that even after 12 years of following God, they still attribute my change to my own strength. I think they're excited that I have a hobby that I'm passionate about, but my walk with God is far more than scrapbooking or stamp collecting. I make choices every day that either bring me closer to keep me from God. Regardless of the shame I have for my past, "He makes all things new" (another powerful lyric in the song and a powerful truth!).
God is good and His grace makes me new. His strength allows me to sing through the tears - I can only rely on Him to communicate His messages.
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